If someone assaults you, steals from you, or cheats on you, you have every right to feel upset or angry — so, too, if you have suffered verbal or emotional abuse. Many of you who have gone through, or are going through, a painful separation or contested divorce may understand what I mean. You will almost certainly need time to grieve the loss of your marriage or relationship. You may also need a good deal of time to work through feelings of anger, betrayal, and the downright “unfairness” of it all.
These feelings are entirely understandable — but past a certain point, they may do you more harm than good. They may even trap you in an endless loop of paralysis and negativity. Freeing yourself from this trap is critical to moving on with your life. As Dr. Mark Banschick put it in his blog of Jan. 31, 2012, “Radical Acceptance means that you understand that bad things do indeed happen to good people… all the time. You can stay mired in your sense of injustice and self-righteousness…But what purpose does it [serve]? …You lose a second time because you become a victim of your own victimhood.”
But what can be done to achieve this “radical acceptance” of life’s unfairness? Enter the Stoics.
Stoics have helped shape our modern schools of cognitive-behavioral therapy. But before discussing some basic Stoic beliefs, it’s important to debunk a few myths. …
The Stoics were not joyless, godless, logicians! They saw a divine order in the world that united all mankind. They did not want to eliminate emotion, so much as to refine it. Rather than “sweating the small stuff,” the Stoics saw the larger picture of life, and focused on developing ethical and virtuous action — the only real and lasting “good,” in Stoic philosophy.
Stoic philosophy may be summed up in that well-known maxim associated with 12-step programs, but originating with theologian Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971):
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Stoicism holds that “things,” events and people do not really upset or disturb us — it is only our opinion of these that has the power to distress us. This is a very odd, counterintuitive idea for many people to grasp.
When buffeted by life’s many “slings and arrows,” you might find it helpful — as I do — to keep in mind an important ethical teaching of Marcus Aurelius: “I do my duty. Other things trouble me not.”
Related: For more about the broad ancient philosophical roots of cognitive behavioural therapy, check out Jules Evans’ book “Philosophy for Life and Other Dangerous Situations”, and various interviews/podcasts.