There seems to be a strong stigma about loneliness. Many people will admit to being depressed before they’ll talk about being lonely. Fearing being judged as unlikeable, a loser, or weird, they don’t discuss their sense of aloneness, alienation, or exclusion. That horrible experience of being the last one chosen for teams in school seems to continue into adulthood, though the reasons are different. If you don’t have friends, then there must be something wrong with you. […]
I’m no[t] talking about solitude. Loneliness is a different experience than solitude. Solitude is being alone by choice and wanting that aloneness or being comfortable with it. Loneliness means there is a discomfort– you want to be more connected to others.
Not feeling free to talk about loneliness adds to the problem and to the judgements of the experience. If you judge yourself for feeling lonely, it makes it even more difficult to take steps to change the situation.
Many lonely people believe they are unique in their situation and that it’s not normal to feel as lonely as they do. Yet most everyone feels lonely at times. Perhaps after a move or other transition such as graduating from school. Transient loneliness is part of life, as humans are social beings. Overwhelmingly, people rate love, intimacy, and social connections as contributing to their happiness above wealth or social fame.
The idea of loneliness as a social pain has been demonstrated by functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). The emotional region of the brain that is activated when you experience rejection is the same that registers emotional responses to physical pain. Loneliness is a deep, disruptive hurt that can become chronic and you can’t just meet people and get over it.
Letting go of judging yourself for your loneliness is a good first step. Blaming yourself, calling yourself names, berating yourself because you are lonely is not effective and not accurate. Feeling lonely in the absence of meaningful connections is normal.
There can be many reasons for loneliness. Today’s mobile and busy society may have increased the challenges of establishing and maintaining relationships. Acceptance that loneliness is a part of the human condiition can help you put your energy into creating solutions.
Loneliness is not necessarily about poor social skills. When you are lonely, it may be overwhelming to think about venturing out to be with people even though you may have good social skills. Loneliness can lead to depression and a wish to isolate.
For emotionally sensitive people, loneliness is likely to be a more intense experience than for those who are not emotionally sensitive and thus even more difficult to overcome. Accepting that finding ways to decrease your loneliness will be challenging will help you persevere.